Dry and Weathered

Yesterday I rode to the first wagons. I asked the Spex of Ahamay. She said he was doing well. That the slave matou had a gift with him. I asked her patience with him. That I would be riding towards the settlements looking for a slave. And I did not wish to leave him alone yet at my wagon. She agreed. She told me that I should choose a slave well since she and the woman called Nava went through slaves like water. That they were hard on them. I told her I had no worries for if the slave survived me she would have no trouble surviving elsewhere. I spoke more truth than was obvious on the surface. I am not an easy master. I am not an easy man for that matter. I try hard to be normal. To show the expressions and emotions that they all do at the right times and for the right reasons. It is not that I do not have emotions, not at all. I have so many. They just never seem to fit where everyone else feels they belong. I will probably get old at some point and not care, but right now I am still caught up in that age old drive to belong to something ... somewhere. If I had the inclination I could lament my lack of identity with it all.

Perhaps tomorrow.

I am just now back from riding all night. The Spex was right when she said it was going to rain. It did. And that mud pit we have had so much trouble with was nothing but more trouble. I worked all night. The day today was hot and everything dried and is dusty. I rode again to the central wagons as I promised the Spex I would do. I don't even remember getting there. My mind was caught in this ebb of mire so like the bosk I had worked all night to free. Something was going on with the slaves there. Some kind of trouble. I was pleased at least one came to bring me water, I needed it so badly. Even my kaiila was too tired to drool. She itched to leave and so I let her. I just drank and drank until I thought I would drown and still I felt the cracks of dryness all through me. Will I know anything but thirst? Of course, but at the moment it does not seem like it.

I am going to sleep some and then head for the settlements.

Sleep. My body so tired and yet my mind races with so many thoughts. Too many thoughts to control. To rein in. Why is it when I stumble through the door of my wagon I can't even think, all I want is a chance to stop forcing my muscles to respond. And then, when I can finally do so .... I can't. My eyes wide open staring at the covering above, or the walls. I hate walls. I've decided. I hate grass. I hate the horizon. I hate bosk. I hate stupid bosk that get stuck in mud. I hate kaiila. I hate women. I hate the silence without them. I hate ...

Somewhere in there I slept.