To Understand a Wink

Sometimes I wonder where it comes from. The emotion. The chuckle or the smile. Even perhaps a wink for a favored one. Sometimes it all seems so far away from me. Like I am watching at a distance this man... this man who is myself. Sometimes I want to break through to him. To communicate. To feel him. Somehow to bring the emotion and thought together for the first time like long lost lovers. To let them caress and feel once again the familiar contours and crevices, the way the muscle moves beneath the skin. Would I survive it? Would I live beyond the crashing of the sky?
The slave known as matou is gone. Run away they say. I am not sure how that is, how she would survive the sleens. But I witnessed her hiding from me. Something I did not ever expect to see. I was wrong to want to show her those things. I was wrong. I want to know better. I want to remember this. I want to not make mistakes. I will not make that mistake again.